Words often betray what you are truly feeling in the present. Especially right after expressing what you thought you felt. The aftermath sometimes just doesn't add up. Sometimes it can even hurt others or bring the pain directly on to you. Most people, to a degree, go through life afraid of even trying to genuinely express themselves because they lack the motivation or skill sets it requires to even come close to getting it right. Instead, they operate under safe standardized behaviors despite whatever potential authenticity they feel inside. This often leads to second class, unhappy lives. Days filled of monotone episodes of dim light. Muted lives. It's not so bad. A little light is better than none. We adapt and learn to re-channel the urge through addictions or live it through others stories at some capacity. The archetypes of a spectators and consumers come to mind.
Below is writing from my original post. Sure I can edit it and make it better now but then it will lose it's original value. Instead it will continue to serve as a record of just how much I have grown and found answers to challenges I never thought I could overcome! (Edited: March 2, 2018)
I have never been able to fully settle. Sure I have had moments of happiness but I want more. It's not even a conscious choice. It's something generated from within, stronger than feelings!
Re-plan, refocus, shortcut (genius idea) to catch up. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This takes time, usually through periods of downtime a.k.a depression or disconnection. Hmmm why is that I always fail? First of all, I was diagnosed with chemical imbalance and prescribed drugs lol I took em for a while but I preferred to self medicate and have fun. Drunk though college. No one went into to my brain and tested my chemicals. I asked my self how can a doctor tell just by talking to me once that I lack certain chemicals in my brain? Long story short... In reality I just lacked the skill set to unlock my potential and basically express myself. Put in that work! Call it what you want, one must develop this over a lifetime. The journey! It's a matter of life and slow death.
On the other side of the spectrum in the pursuit of happiness. Going full out! There is a difference sense of highs and lows. Just because I have chosen to takes steps to discover and go for what I truly want, doesn't mean am immune to feeling down moments and go through periods of uncertainty. It's especially difficult at times to even focus on this unicorn chase with the rest of the world focus on traditionalism and consumerism. What is the rest of the world any way? Point is no matter if you go for it or not, your life will more or less be the same. highs and lows. First lesson when you start putting potential into reality is disillusion. Sucking at everything you thought you would be great at and adored for! Sort of like when a super hero loses their power... OMG! am am a petty human. Once the shock factor about how not special you are passes, eventually you adjust and you build. You get much closer to realization and freedom every step you take. On the other hand, if you choose to settle instead, you will also have to host the baggage of what if and regret in the bleachers. Crowded in the rival team's stadium. Plus, you will have an orgy of corporate raw hotdogs shoved in your mouth... Hotdogs are expensive and gross.
There is so much I am not saying in these writings obviously... Read in between the lines. right now I wont even try to make anything too clear because of the other billion things I want to do in order to reach you guys. Just get started on your own thing!
If you have any questions or would like for me to expand in anything... comment below or just get in contact with me.